


Love on the brain

by AnnyFay



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Escort Service, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:08:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24673624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnyFay/pseuds/AnnyFay
Summary: Lewis is a millionaire racing driver residing in Monaco. He is currently dating singer Nicole Scherzinger, but is secretly gay. He attempts to fulfil his sexual desires by contacting an escort agency that sends him Nico Rosberg, a handsome blond German. Nico turns out to be a whole lot more than Lewis has ever asked for.
Relationships: Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg
Comments: 45
Kudos: 84





	1. Don’t delete the kisses

**Author's Note:**

> SOOOO  
> After a LONG TIME I felt I could only end my quarantine blues by going back to writing fanfics  
> Are we still obsessed with Lewis/Nico????  
> I feel like all my otp's are over and I can't get over them (Nico out of F1, Kimi out of ferrari, what is this world)  
> Anyway, if there are some of you who are totally not over them like me, this is a gift for y'all.  
> The story is kind of suspended in time, but let's say it's set in 2012. Lewis is a McLaren driver, Jenson is his teammate, Nicole is his girlfriend and he lives in Monaco.  
> I intend to post once a week and I REALLY HOPE that goes as planned. I've never written a longfic before (maybe it's a shortfic, who knows).  
> Ok, sorry, I just really missed talking to you guys, but that's it for the moment. Hope you enjoy reading this little work of mine and feel free to share your thoughts on the progress of the story or to just say hi idk.  
> ~

Lewis’ hands are trembling and sweating, and he wonders once more why he is even considering doing it. Is Nicole boring him? No, he doesn’t think so. It’s just that she’s not… who’s he trying to fool?

So he finds himself in his huge, luxurious apartment in Monaco looking at escort agencies on the internet and finding out that Monte Carlo has tons of them. He calls the one which emphasizes the client’s privacy the most.

He’s asked all sorts of question, which features he likes the most, how the escort should look like – hair colour, eye colour, shorter, taller, younger, older –, and to be quite honest Lewis didn’t know he had a type. He describes exactly what he wants like he’s ordering a pizza – he even laughs about it mentally because, seriously, what is wrong with him? Why is he throwing away his perfectly normal life for an adventure of that kind? It’s not like he’s never heard of celebrities who were exposed when doing the exact same thing he was about to do. He could ruin everything by letting himself be led by this impulsive desire he felt.

And while all these things are running through his head, he hears the interphone ringing and it’s just too late.

“There’s a man looking for you, Mr. Hamilton. He said his name is Nico.”

Lewis swallows dry.

“Tell him to come up.”

His hands are sweating like a teenage boy, he strides around the apartment trying to make it look somehow tidier – he even considers lighting up some candles, but realises he would most probably look dumb. When the doorbell rings, his heart skips a beat and he almost gives in to panic. He breathes deeply three times before opening the door and then all his breath leaves his lungs.

“You must be Lewis,” a blond, fair-skinned man is standing at his doorstep, and even though he matches the description given by Lewis, he’s just so much more. He looks like he’s just stepped off a magazine cover with his leather jacket and slick-backed hair, sparkly eyes and pink-ish lips.

Lewis must have been staring at him for a while for the way he raises one eyebrow quite uncomfortably as he waits for the Englishman to say something, anything.

He murmurs a “yeah”, eyes still scanning every inch of the blond.

“Come in,” he finally says, moving out of the way so that Nico can step into the apartment. He does so with such confidence that Lewis is left behind while he wanders through the room, admiring his surroundings with a wan smile.

“Well, I dare say this is the most incredible apartment I’ve ever been in Monaco, and I’m quite the connoisseur,” he winks at Lewis.

The Englishman shuts the door behind them and walks towards Nico.

“Thanks,” Lewis voice seems to be coming back bit by bit as he focuses on keeping it cool and not freaking out “Can I get you anything to drink?”

“Wine would be good,” Nico takes off his jacket and tosses it onto an armchair as he continues to stride towards the balcony. He must have seen the Wine cabinet on the corner of the living room, Lewis thought. The Englishman has always found it tacky, but Nicole convinced him to keep it.

He fills one glass of wine and is just about to head to the balcony when he hears Nico say teasingly: “Pour some to you too, darling. You need to relax.”

And yes, he is right, but Lewis doesn’t enjoy the sound of it, at all. He doesn’t like being told what to do, especially when he himself doesn’t know what he should be doing. Nico keeps his playful smile, with his back against the parapet, as he watches Lewis going back to fill another glass for himself with a confused expression that Nico savours a bit too much.

Their shoulders are touching as they stand right next to each other, admiring the view of the Monegasque coast over the moonlight. Three glasses of wine later and Lewis is not so shy anymore. He’s all giggly and flirty like a teenager, even though he’s aware he doesn’t need to seduce Nico, his money would.

“Where are you from? I’m sensing an accent.” He asks the blond.

“I’m from Germany, but I’ve lived here most of my life. And you? British, I’d say.” Nico turns to him, tilting his head a little as he pays attention to Lewis’ facial expression – it must be a habit of his, observing people’s behaviour, Lewis thinks.

“Yeah, but you must have heard about me before… so it’s not fair,” He replies. Nico laughs scornfully and shakes his head in disbelief.

“Actually, I have no idea who you are.” The blond’s attitude amazes Lewis, his carefreeness with absolutely everything and the way he makes a total of zero attempts to cover up his cocky personality. This is all new to Lewis and he likes it probably a bit too much for his own good.

“Maybe it’s for the best you know nothing about me.” He murmurs just loud enough for Nico to hear it.

“I’m getting rapper vibes from you, though I admit it’s a stereotypical guess.” The blond looks at him thoughtfully, eyes screwed up as though analyzing the Englishman.

“You’re not totally wrong, but… no,” Lewis is pretty aware he is smiling like a teenager who has just got noticed by their crush. It’s such a stupid feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Nico gives one step closer, eyes locked in Lewis’. He takes his hand carefully, softly. Lewis shifts his weight uncomfortably, but lets Nico guide him into the apartment and towards the bed. He motions for the Englishman to sit and stands right in front of him. The lustful look on his face feels so unsettling that Lewis has a hard time trying not to look away. He wants Nico to believe he is in charge, even though the truth is far from this. The blond could demand anything from him and he wouldn’t hesitate in obeying immediately. When Nico parts his lips and lets the words run through the room and into Lewis’ ear, he can almost hear the beating of his heart.

“Tell me what you want me to do,” He looks fixatedly at Lewis, but it feels more like he is looking through him, like he is not paying attention to anything in particular. It must be a habit of Nico to seem so intense when he is actually oblivious to the whole situation and Lewis understands it quite well. It is impossible to nurture feelings when it is all commercial and fake.

But Lewis wants to feel something real. He had hoped money could buy him that, but it feels just like those many friends he has who will party with him all weekend, but never call to see if he is okay. And of course he is not okay and there’s absolutely no one he can talk to; Nicole is too busy and barely a friend right now, Toto only cares about the Championship – so telling your boss you are having an identity crisis is probably a terrible idea –, and Jenson could have been his friend if the crush he’s had on him hadn’t made him push him away and accuse McLaren of favouritism. Lewis has, in fact, been keeping people out of his life so as to conceal from them this part of him that’s been growing out of control, but there is no way he can continue with this. He is not able to smile at the cameras anymore, not able to answer questions about a supposed marriage proposal and certainly not able to cope with the pressure of this year’s season. So what is he going to do?

“Are you okay?”

Lewis gasps. Nico is still standing in front of him with a worried frown, waiting for an answer. He has been staring at the wall for who knows how long and is pretty sure Nico must think he is a psychopath – or stoned. Either way, it would be easier to explain than the truth.

“I’m sorry, I…” He sighs. Even if he did find the words to translate his inner drama, they would be nowhere near what he truly wants to say. “Just… sit, please.”

Nico follows his order with a confused stare. He makes sure to sit extremely close to Lewis and rests a hand on his lap. Lewis observes the gesture, nervousness running wild through his body.

“What do you see when you look at me?” Lewis is aware of the way Nico eyes him with a “not-again” expression in his face. Surely, Lewis is just another in a long list of closeted gay men who sought comfort in escorts who could not give a rat’s ass. “I want a true, clear-cut answer,” he adds, thinking that it might be the only chance he’ll have to ask this to someone because money buys a bunch of things and certainly buys honesty too.

Nico is silent. His wry grim dissipates into a bland expression; his drunken gaze turns into lead. Then he shrugs.

“I see that you’re a bit lonely, but, damnit, everyone is alone. Being lonely is just being aware of that.”

The fact that it is so evident makes Lewis uncomfortable, but he is also amazed by how simple it sounds when Nico says it, like it is a fact one should just get over. It does not mean, however, that it doesn’t make him wonder if it wasn’t too pessimistic - or maybe too realistic - of him to say that. How much is true and how much is an opinion Nico has given the circumstances of his own life? Lewis has been questioning since the moment he saw the blond what exactly could have happened to put him in that situation (though he knows it might just be his own choice). He would never ask this because he was the one hiring an escort due to personal issues - if something wrong happened, it surely wasn’t with Nico.

He throws himself onto the bed, arms stretched up. The ceiling with its downlights and crown molding seems both prettied and sadder than it has ever been.

“You don’t talk a lot, do you?” The German lies sideways, propped up on one elbow, facing Lewis.

“I normally don’t know what to say,”

“But if you did, would you say it?” Nico leans closer, one hand resting on Lewis’ chest, “I don’t think you would. We stay silent most of the time or we say things that have no importance at all. I feel like I talk too much, but nothing that I say has any meaning, you know?” Lewis likes his accent, the way his voice raises its pitch at the end of every sentence.

“And what should we do then?” He asks, almost just to hear Nico’s voice again.

“We should keep saying meaningless things lest we won’t say anything at all. Imagine what a waste it would be to live in silence.”

Lewis was avoiding looking at him until then; he knows he is giving away too much already and it might be dangerous. After all these years with Nicole, he doesn’t think he has ever had that much intimacy as he is having with Nico at that moment – besides, it is simple to forget the real terms of that intimacy.

Lewis turns to him. The proximity is not unsettling anymore. In fact, it is tempting.

“Would it be okay if I kissed you?” He whispers as he pays attention to the reflection of his own face in Nico’s eyes.

“We’ll find out,” is the answer. The German leans closer until their lips touch. He can certainly feel Lewis’ nervousness, his unsteady breath and clumsy moves. Nico holds him by the waist, bringing their bodies together. Lewis is static, reliving memories he wishes he could just forget.

He had kissed a guy once, though he wasn’t even sure he could call it a kiss. They were friends in high school and Lewis thought there was more to that - and there might had been - until the day he took a shot and got punched right in the face. Fortunately, the boy was too ashamed himself to say anything to anyone, so Lewis’ secret went on well-kept and he understood he could only possibly find rejection if he showed his true self.

And now he is there with Nico’s hands all over him like a proper lover’s devotion.

He might be dreaming too high by ignoring the fact that he has pretty much paid for this moment, that it’s nothing like the crush he had nurtured on that friend or his current crush on Jenson. Whatever he is having with Nico right now may be an illusion, but it certainly doesn’t feel so when the blond cups his face as if it is porcelain. It is easier and simpler to just go along, not to question if he is not worsening things. Sometimes he thinks too much and doesn’t act, so it would be nice to do something reckless for once. Of course, if he considers cheating on his girlfriend a way to start living life at its finest, he must be in serious need of some advice.

Nico gets on his knees and pins Lewis down on the bed, straddling him with a bit of aggression that feels just enough to make Lewis surrender completely. He is trying to regain sense, but he’s still trapped in a trance worsened by every time Nico rocks their crotches together. The Englishman always reckoned himself as more of a rational than emotional person, but, god, where the hell is his mind?

And when he puts one hand on Nico’s nape as the blond runs his fingers through his erection, which is straining the zipper of his jeans as if begging Nico to pull it down, he has a momentary burst of conscience. No, he isn’t a prude and, yes, he did know what he was getting himself into when he called the escort agency. Even though Nico is not a hooker, if you hire an escort to spend the night at your apartment because you’re lonely, one thing will certainly lead to another.

But Lewis can’t lie to himself that he is not afraid of whatever is coming next. Maybe he will freak out and ask Nico to get out, or worse: he might want to ask Nico to stay, which he can’t because Nicole will be home the next day.

Nicole, crap, Lewis suddenly realises. He shouldn’t do this to her, it wouldn’t be fair. The fact their relationship is a shipwreck doesn’t mean he gets to cheat on her.

He places one hand on Nico’s chest and pushes him away softly, their lips taking a bit longer to be pulled apart and lingering on the kiss like a sweet reminiscence of a moment that’s already gone. Lewis sighs deeply, hurtfully.

“I’m sorry.”

The blond freezes, and for a second Lewis can see something completely new in his attitude. There is not a single trace left from the flamboyant, annoyingly confident Nico. Instead, there is a look of painful realisation or astonished confusion, Lewis doesn’t know for certain. It was, however, just a glimpse of Nico in his own moment of reflection before he pulls himself together and replies dryly:

“Ok, your girlfriend,” He frees Lewis and sits on the edge of the bed, back turned to him. ”I know.”

“How did you…?”

“I’ve done it a million times. I’ve seen your ring and I’ve seen this look before. You don’t want to cheat on her,” Nico replies. He turns around to face Lewis, his awfully wrinkled shirt makes the German smile softly. “You’re a good person.”

But Lewis certainly doesn’t feel as such. He feels guilty, and then angry at himself for feeling guilty because there’s no reason to. He doesn’t owe Nico anything. He would get his money anyway.

“It’s okay. I get it.” Nico adds as he gets out of the bed and grabs his jacket. He walks towards the door and Lewis follows.

The blond turns around one last time and they lock eyes. Lewis holds his breath.

“If you ever change your mind, you can reach me on this number.” Nico says and hands him a grey business card with his name on it – Nico R. – and a cell phone number. “I really hope you do.”

Without a proper goodbye, Nico starts to walk away. Lewis stands at the threshold for a moment before he finally manages to tell himself to close the door.

He spends the rest of the night awake, reliving the moments of that evening, imagining the different outcome it could have had, and, god, he feels awful when he realises that, instead of wishing he had never done it, he wishes he had had the courage to go all the way.

What a mess.


	2. Void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole shows up. Lewis is still caught up in the night he spent with Nico.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to thank you all for the warm hugs I felt for each comment and kudo <3  
> Here's chapter 2. Please, feel free to leave your thoughts and suggestions!

“I’m so happy that we finally managed to get some time for ourselves.”

Should he call him? Should he just forget what happened last night?

“I’ve been so busy lately. I couldn’t even watch the races on TV.”

And what was that kiss anyway? Did it matter to Nico as much as it did to Lewis?

“So how have you been? Did you think about what we’ve talked?”

And how the hell could he have fallen for someone so helplessly in such a tiny amount of time? It has nothing to do with his current unstable emotional state, has it?

“Lewis?”

It’s silly and stupid. Nico must be sucking some guy off while Lewis fantasizes about a universe in which they could really get to know each other.

“Lewis!”

That hideous image of Nico with someone else fades away from his mind as Nicole’s voice becomes higher and higher until it finally manages to reach his thoughts. Lewis looks at her, completely at a loss. She hisses and sits straight on the couch, taking Lewis’ arm off her shoulders.

“Ok, what’s going on? You’ve barely said a word to me ever since I arrived!” Nicole’s lips are trembling and Lewis knows it’s because she hates fighting and hates even more being the one to start a fight. Lewis isn’t helping. He is not even trying to hide there’s something terribly wrong.

“It’s just… the championship, you know? It’s been so…”

“Do you think I’m stupid?” She suddenly interrupts him. Lewis flinches. “We’ve been through this already. I know how you feel when you’re under pressure and that’s not it. You’ve told me about your father and about Fernando and Felipe… you’ve told me about everything that’s troubled you and now you’re just being evasive!”

Lewis is pretty sure the room’s spinning around them. He looks at Nicole, but he can’t see her. He feels the shame from last night — from all those years — the looks, the fear, the speculations, all he’s been trying to cope with. Has he never noticed how tiresome it is?

“I can’t stop thinking that if you can’t tell me what’s going on it’s because it has to do with me.” _God, is this so obvious?_ , Lewis’ eyes widens.

Silence is the worst answer he could give her, but it is the only one.

“Nicole I… I guess we need a break.”

If he keeps picking at scabs, it will never heal.

Damn it, why does it hurt when he knows he’s doing the right thing? Why does it hurt when he’s doing the wrong thing? Why does it hurt when he’s just standing there, looking at the sky and hoping it will fall down and kill everyone?

He remembers Nico, how he spoke so freely about things Lewis never quite managed to understand — or maybe he was just ignoring them up until that moment. Eyes, lips… he certainly has heavenly looks. Could he be Lewis’ redemption?

He doubts that. Lewis doesn’t deserve redemption. If Nico is anything, he is probably karma. Karma for everything he is doing to Nicole. While the tabloids speculate that Lewis is about to propose to her, he is terrified of going into a jewellery store, let alone actually buying a wedding ring. They’ve done it a couple of times in the past, the breakup, but it never felt so over than in this moment. Nicole looks devastated, confused, but somehow relieved. She doesn’t ask why, she simply gets up and leave, but not before muttering “have a nice life, Lewis”.

Lewis, after crying in front of the mirror, goes out for a walk by the beach. It is a nicely warm evening; the sea breeze touches his face like the hand of a caring mother and the lights coming from the many yachts spread across the marina gives him a certain kind of relief that he still has this luxurious life to fall back on.

He recalls Nico’s words about loneliness once again. His voice is on the loop in his head, his eyes and touch feel like an eternal bliss in his memory. Lewis wants to be devastated after breaking up with Nicole, but all he feels is alleviation and excitement. He picks his phone and dials the number written on Nico’s business card. Instead of this making his heart race faster, it steadies his breath and calms his agitated thoughts, even though there are still questions haunting his mind about how volatile his reasoning seems to be.

Is he ditching Nicole to pursue an adventure? Is he really that naive?

“Hello?” Lewis hears the German’s voice on the phone. It all becomes so simple that it looks like there is not even a decision to make.

“Hi, Nico, it’s Lewis.”

“Oh, hi handsome! I figured you wouldn’t take long to call,” that irreverence, that way of making Lewis’ insides turn upside down.

“Hm, yeah, guess you were right,” Lewis smiled, “I was thinking if you could come over tonight.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, darling. I’m not available tonight,” available like a service, like a product, like a device. Lewis flinches. “But I’m free tomorrow, what do you say?”

“Yeah, tomorrow is perfect. See you then.”

~

The doorbell rings three times before Lewis finally manages to answer it. He should’ve been prepared to see Nico again, but he is nonetheless amazed. The blond is wearing a navy blue shirt and skinny jeans, his hair combed sideways like he is in a hollywood movie. Lewis wishes he were able to freeze that moment just so he could gather his senses before welcoming Nico.

“Hi,” the blond chuckles as he enters the apartment. This time he doesn’t take a moment to appreciate the place and, instead, turns around to face Lewis who has just closed the door behind them. Lewis is startled by the proximity, but he stands still and attempts to hide his uneasiness with a smile.

“Hey,” he steps closer just to tease Nico, to try and enter the game the blond is playing. The German’s smile widens as he turns his back to Lewis and starts walking towards the immense, round couch. He throws himself on it, eyes half-closed as he looks through his eyelashes at Lewis, and there’s something unsettling in the way he tilts his head in a mischievous way. Lewis might even love it, actually.

“So… what do you have in mind?” The German asks.

Lewis nervously holds Nico’s gaze and seeks a sufficient reply, but now that he’s thinking of it, he has no idea why he called Nico in the first place. Yeah, he pretty much just wanted to hear his voice again, but how on earth would he tell that to Nico?

It’s only after a moment that he finally sits on the couch at the German’s side. Nico throws his head back and sighs, not out of boredom but of thought. Lewis glances at him, more specifically at his bare neck, the pinkish, unblemished skin, so different from Lewis’ entirely tattooed body. He wants to kiss it so badly, to savour the warmth of his skin, to suck on it until he’s sure Nico will look in the mirror afterwards and remember him and only him.

Amusingly, he also wants to simply chat with the German. He wants to spend hours talking about life, death and the in-between. Lewis can simply claim he likes the sound of his voice, but it’s so much deeper than this.

Nico directs his gaze to him. It falls like a curtain over Lewis’ judgement. His mouth goes dry.

“Video game?” The blond suggests.

~

If he had a bucket list, playing Fifa with an escort would certainly not be in it. Even less losing to him.

Nico is unbeatable like no one Lewis has ever played before. He looks like a teenager with the way he cheers for every right pass and mocks Lewis when he fails to intercept them. The Englishman is slightly annoyed, but more so in awe. Everything about Nico is intriguing and worthy of contemplation.

So after winning the eleventh match, Nico seems kind of bored and throws his control over the couch. He turns sideways, face slightly tilted, eyes searching for Lewis’, who is too shy to look up.

“Let’s play another game.”

The Englishman finally gathers enough courage to return the blond’s gaze. He is well aware he has hesitation stamped on his face.

“It’s called ‘tell me to stop’,” Nico tells him with an eery smile. Lewis releases the air he has been holding in his lungs as if it could carry out his reasoning, shut up his constant worries over how far his desires would take him until he reaches complete ruin.

He is exaggerating, he knows. Lewis couldn’t be more aware of his intentions when he called the blond the day before, he’s not in danger or somehow enchanted. He wants it.

Nico comes closer and plants a soft kiss on his neck, mouth trailing the entire way to his lips, and resting there for a while, still at first and then gradually starting to move, working his tongue inside the other’s mouth. Unsteady breath deepening the need for more. Suddenly, Nico pulls them apart, hands firmly holding Lewis’ arms as if to prohibit the other from moving. He slowly gets down between the Englishman’s legs. They never break eye contact.

Lewis doesn’t move a muscle. He is pretty aroused, dying to have Nico’s mouth around his cock, to look down at him and pull his hair. God, he wants it so badly he almost gives in and lets the German attend to his needs. But then he remembers it is all fake, like the fakeness he has had in his life and that he hates. Maybe he is a kind of king Midas, everything he touches turns into plastic. All the love he felt for Nicole, all that time, the ring he was supposed to give her a thousand times... the lack of faith in himself caused so much harm already. No, this time he is going to do it right.

He puts his hands firmly on Nico’s as they unzip his pants. The blond looks up consternated. Lewis finally releases a groan of displeasure because he hates being responsible for his acts. “I’m sorry. I can’t let you do that,” the Englishman finally speaks. Nico’s gaze keeps still, waiting for a clearer answer or maybe for Lewis to change his minds because those crystal eyes could be pretty persuasive. “I don’t want you to have sex with me just because it’s your job” he adds.

Nico gets up, the corners of his lips gently turned up in a smirk. He is having more fun than he thought he would with the whole situation. “I’m sorry but this doesn’t make any sense. Why did call me then?”

“Because I wanted the company of a friend and you happen to be my only friend lately... and an escort” Lewis replies, realising how naive he sounds the moment the words come out of his mouth.

“Ok, but you’re aware that you called an escort agency the first time, right? Or did you think I was the pizza delivery guy?” Nico giggles. Lewis’ heart melts a little and he would actually smile and be delighted if it weren’t for the embarrassment he feels, the knot in the pit of his stomach for not being able to simply tell Nico the truth.

“Yeah, but aren’t you guys like... not call boys? I thought you were paid for your time but that time is not necessarily for sex-related stuff”, the Englishman is digging a hole that gets bigger every time he opens his mouth. How the hell could he think that calling an escort was equal to having a date?

“Oh, I guess I shouldn’t tell you that, but since you’re adorably ingenuous...” Nico sits by his side, elbows resting on his lap, hands intertwined. He looks like he is about to explain to Lewis how babies are conceived. “Okay, so… There are a few cases, and when I say I few, I mean rare, very rare cases, in which someone contacts an escort agency because they are to attend an event or something like that and they need to bring someone with them. Let’s just say it usually happens with female escorts. Now... there is the other scenario which is way more common: we are sophisticated prostitutes. We receive a better treatment than call boys, but it doesn’t change a thing. That’s it.”

Lewis lets Nico’s words sink in silence for a minute. He does feel a bit responsible for making the blond nervous, for cracking that well-built confident _persona_. There was anger in his voice pointed at no one, maybe at himself, but he couldn’t admit that. He doesn’t mind the silence and does nothing to break it. Lewis realises too late that he shouldn’t have brought up the subject. He likes Nico’s confidence.

“What if I am a rare case?” The Englishman finally gathers enough courage to say. Nico, who seemed to be staring at the void in his life, finally looks at him. “What if I just want your company for a big event? Maybe not publicly”, he confesses a little embarrassed, “but we could meet afterwards.”

“After what?” Nico asks, not really hiding the fact that he is starting to doubt Lewis’ sanity.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you the other day… I’m a racing driver, a F1 racing driver.”

The German has a myriad of reactions in a short period of time. He goes from completely astounded to a sarcastic grim, which Lewis’ doesn’t want to feel offended by, but he can’t quite control it.

“That’s just great. I can’t seem to get rid of you drivers here in Monaco.” He finally manages to say something – not that it makes any sense to Lewis. The Englishman wants to ask, wants to know more about this because he wants to know more about Nico, but he also knows he must be careful lest he scares off the blond. “So what exactly is your plan?”

Lewis takes a deep breath. He clearly just figured out what he wanted to ask from Nico and he can’t promise – either to himself or to the German – that it will not ruin their lives, their connection, damnit, everything. Lewis might be digging his own social grave for a fling.

“Tomorrow I’ll go back to training. The first race is in Belgium. I would like you to go with me, you could stay around… it would be like those rare cases you mentioned.”

“Except I won’t be your date. You will probably lock me up in some fancy hotel room and show up when you feel like it.” Nico almost doesn’t let Lewis finishes. The Englishman searches for any sign of hurt in the German’s eyes, but there’s none. He doesn’t show any emotion in fact. Lewis doesn’t say anything, which is the same as confirming Nico’s assumption, so he goes on, less grave: “Been there already. It’s okay. Let’s talk business, then.”

Lewis keeps staring at him, jaw slightly dropped as he attempts to formulate an offer for something he has just thought of.


	3. Sweet nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of summer break. Lewis has to deal with his feelings for his teammate - and also for Nico.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I do owe you guys an apology.  
> It took me a little bit longer (euphemism) to update this. College was just killing me these past weeks and this chapter was difficult as hell to write. I had do rewrite it tons of times.  
> Buuuut I came up with something I actually liked and hope y'all feel the same way.  
> Just a reminder: I love comments :)

"So… how was your summer break?”

Jenson Button asks him as they enter their motorhome. They are on a break from free practice. The weather is not ideal, so there’s little left for them to do.

Lewis feels nervous for a million of reasons every time Jenson approaches him: first because he is handsome and second because he is a tiresome asshole. This last part is definitely not his fault since Lewis knows well that he didn’t ask to be McLaren’s favourite, but ended up being anyway.

The Englishman looks around just to be sure Jenson is definitely talking to him, then replies with a shrug: “nice, normal,” and his mind is suddenly overflooded with images of Nico and the little precious moments they shared, so he adds “very normal”.

He doesn’t ask Jenson about his summer break, but it doesn’t seem to matter as his teammate goes on talking: “mine was boring. You know, life in the countryside seems to make us drift away from reality, and I needed to relax indeed, but I’ve missed the adrenaline.”

Okay. Maybe Jenson is trying to tell him something about himself, trying to stimulate the other to do the same and then maybe – just maybe – they could actually have a friendship, or at least a less-weird-than-this-ship. Lewis, on the other hand, is not willing to confide anything to his teammate. He was already a head-scratcher before the events of the past month, but now, more than ever, he feels as if he is giving away every detail of himself only by looking at someone.

It does get lonely sometimes.

It felt imprisionating when the only person he could talk to was Nicole and he certainly couldn’t tell her that he didn’t like women. Maybe she would understand, or maybe she would just walk away disgusted. The fact is that everyone he knows could have either one of these same reactions. He wouldn’t stand the latter. He just could not. He has enjoyed the glory too much to see it marred by his personal issues. He is young, gifted and black. There is no space for “gay” in this.

Lewis’ head is a mess. He is well aware of Jenson’s concerned gaze upon him as he stands there, frozen, dealing with all those terrible scenarios in his mind. No, he can’t say anything. He can’t act normal. Nothing in his life seems to be normal now, so how could he?

Lewis makes an effort to display a complacent smile, then walks away feeling like a failure. Once more he succumbed to all his insecurities, once more he couldn’t even look Jenson in the eyes without fearing the other might discover his true feelings for him.

As he gets off the cab in front of the hotel Nico is staying, he convinces himself he is not using the blond to soothe his wounds, or to inflate his ego. He does feel like coming home every time he sees Nico and it seems to be the only moment that he can actually breathe out all his frustrations, but no, Lewis can’t bring himself to believe he is paying someone to be his friend.

When Nico answers the door, there is that momentary burst of joy that travels through Lewis’ entire body like an electric discharge. He smiles and steps into the room. Nico seems bored at first, but then quickly regains his radiant glee.

“The weather sucks today, eh?” He mutters as they both sit on the loveseat next to a large window with a view to the woods that surround the building.

“Yeah, everything kind of sucks today,” Lewis replies absentmindedly. The German scans him, only then noticing something is terribly bothering the Englishman. Nico puts a caring hand on the other’s lap, fingers gently pressed against his skin. Lewis feels safe enough to release a sigh that carries off of his body what seems to be the weight of the world. He is finally comfortable and not asphyxiating on his own self-hatred. “I’m in love with someone”.

Nico keeps silent at first. Lewis reminds himself a thousand times that the blond is not his therapist and should not have to deal with his bullshit. Nonetheless, he is indeed the only person he can talk to.

“It must be hard,” Nico turns around facing him. Lewis is hesitant to meet his eyes, but he is drawn to them. “I mean, not being able to be with them.”

Lewis looks away, too ashamed to let Nico see his eyes are watery as he realises the depth of his situation. He has always been a shy kid, the type that doesn’t stick around enough until people get to know him. That never really bothered Lewis until he tried to make real friends – or until he accidentally fell in love with one of them –, then all of a sudden he is far from everyone’s reality like an alien. So when a single teardrop drags itself across his face, he can’t quite explain to Nico what is going on, and he surely can’t explain what is about to happen.

He turns back and cups Nico’s face with both hands before bringing their mouths together. Lewis savours the moment he knows he can’t make last any longer. He can’t play with his own feelings that way. It is just too cruel.

He pulls them apart reluctantly, “I’m sorry.”

Nico is still astounded as he replies: “You’re a really weird man,” then he adds a second later: “It’s okay, you’re paying me for this.”

“No! That’s exactly why this isn’t okay. I can’t kiss the person I want to and it’s not okay for me to kiss you instead just because I can.”

“Ouch,” Nico shouts, but he has his evergreen, nonchalant smile back on his face. Even though there is something resembling hurt in his eyes, Lewis can’t quite tell what is going on in his head, so he stays quiet, trying to figure out if he should stop talking and just apologise.

But again, he has no one else to talk to.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that… we cannot act like this is a normal situation. I’ve forgotten it for a second when we were in Monaco, when Jenson wasn’t around. I thought I didn’t like him anymore because of you.”

Nico’s marvelled face turns into consternation.

Of all the unexpected things that happened since Lewis had arrived in his hotel room, this is the only one Nico can’t manage to ignore and move on. He can’t give Lewis his best complacent smile, he can’t hide his true emotions. They are all stamped on his face, in his tensed up muscles as he asks: “because of me?”

And that is when Lewis understands he has gone too far. He has scared off the blond.

“No, Lewis… I… I have to make things clear,” he begins. His hands grasp Lewis’. The Englishman feels so naïve, so young and stupid. His hands are shaking. The embarrassment doesn’t help it. Nico’s hesitant smirk shows the empathy he feels towards the other, but it also shows he had been in this same situation before, which makes Lewis flinch with his mundaneness. “You can’t fall in love with me. That’s not how it works. People tend to get things mixed up because escorts are paid to be perfect partners. You do realise it’s not real, right?”

He waits for Lewis’ answer, but it never comes. He goes on, more urgently: “It’s like if someday someone hires you to be their chauffeur.”

“What the hell?” Lewis exclaims.

“Bear with me: you are a racing driver. You go around the world racing every week in a different country. If someone hired you as their chauffeur, you wouldn’t be able to race anymore because you’d be at their mercy. You‘d be exclusive and certainly get bored very soon,” he explains. As much as Lewis hates to admit that, he does have a point. Of course, their professions are nothing alike and love is a total different thing of being a chauffeur. However, if Nico sees it that way, then love equals being a chauffeur for him: it’s all business at the end of the day.

Lewis still can’t say anything. If he opens his mouth, he will let the other know he is devastated, that he has already fallen helplessly for him. Lewis is now unreachable, too drowned on his own frustration. He has been in love with Jenson since they became teammates, but he can’t bring himself to tell Jenson that. But Nico managed - quite impressively - to be a much more complicated matter to the Englishman. Worst than not being able to be with the person you are in love with is being able to be with them, but knowing in your heart that the only thing you can truly have from them is the mere physical aspects of a relationship.

Lewis can’t deny his wish to touch every inch of the blond’s body, to have him under him painting and scratching his back and kissing his neck and just begging for Lewis to go deeper and harder. He wants all that and what hurts the most is knowing Nico would do it because it’s his job.

No matter how fragile he feels right now, he makes a promise to himself that he won’t succumb to temptation. Lewis knows that sleeping with Nico would be a point of no return. It would haunt him forever being so close and so distant from what he desires the most.

Before he can actually form an answer, Nico continues: “It’s my job to make you feel good and desired. If you’d just let me do my job…”

“No, Nico. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

Nico bites his lower lip in his best attempt to tease the other. He smiles gallantly as he replies with an almost whispery voice: “Baby, I always want to do it. I’m not in this life for lack of a better option, you know?”

Lewis can’t believe how theatrical Nico sounds. Even though he is nervous and probably still charmed by the other, he can see the flaws on his _persona_ , the way Nico always tries to look condescending enough to dodge any question about his own will. _Fair enough_ , Lewis thinks. He has had years of people telling him exactly what to do. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants because no one has ever asked him that.

Not that Lewis has any authority to criticize him on denying his own wishes. The Englishman himself has just realised he could not spend his life with Nicole – or with any other woman to be honest. Nonetheless, he establishes as a personal goal to show Nico love is not and will never be just business.

As Lewis gets up, leaving a confused, yet somehow amazed Nico still waiting for him to say anything or to drag him to the bed, he looks back at the blond, thinking he is going to make Nico want this more than anything he has ever wished for in his life.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Take care,” Lewis leaves. There is still a mix of misguided feelings lingering in the air of the hotel room where Nico now sits alone, wondering what he has gotten himself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and I've just realised I can write a summary for every chapter, so I'm updating all of them with it.


	4. Self-control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lewis invites Nico to see the race. Nothing goes as planned, especially his casual meeting with Sebastian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S BEEN A WHILE, I KNOW  
> I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, but I quite proud of this chapter. Hope y'all enjoy it!  
> As an apology gift, I made a playlist for the story. As you may have noticed, the chapters now have titles taken from songs, so they are here: 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2a1iqw13YHoVY4UpupF3Al?si=JrHvZ8-vTVahkkEAlQSRIQ
> 
> The playlist will be updated every new chapter. I hope you like it!

“Hey man, congratulations!” Lewis meets Jenson as soon as he gets off the podium. He knows there will be interviews, so he has to be quick. He is decided not to be a sore loser anymore, so he smiles tenderly and forgets his miserable performance.

“Oh thanks, Lewis!” Jenson sound surprised. He is still pretty euphoric as he pulls the other into a hug. Lewis is paralysed for a second or two before responding to that. He feels the warmth on his cheeks, the sweat on the palms of his hands. He should step back. This is taking way to long and it is almost starting to get weird.

Lewis hears a whistle coming from somewhere not so far from them, though it looks like it belongs to another reality. He is hugging Jenson, he is certainly not on Earth.

However, the whistle goes on persistently. Lewis finally pulls away from the embrace, not exactly hiding his uneasiness as he looks around and sees Nico, the source of the annoying sound. As he turns back to excuse himself, he notices Jenson is not there anymore. He is certainly empathetic with it: as this season has been filled with ups and downs, last race, just before summer break, he was the one standing in the middle of the podium, basking on the glory he has been experiencing not so frequently since 2008. Anyway, he knows there are tons of people who want to chat with Jenson for a bit.

And to be fair, Lewis does not mind that he had that sweet moment halted midway because he is actually relieved to see Nico. He wasn’t so sure bringing the blond to watch the race had been a good idea, but the mere sight of him was enough to convince Lewis otherwise. He walks towards Nico, trying his best not to seem too hasty or desperate. However, he wants the German to notice he is happy to see him there. He recalls Nicole saying he has a very charming closed-lips smile that irradiates to his eyes. It is shy and hardly perceptible but sincere, so he attempts to show it to Nico, suddenly realising he used to be good with flirting, but is most definitely out of practice now.

“Hi, handsome! Sorry to interrupt…” Nico stops for a second, seemingly trying to fish something out of Lewis’ countenance. Then he smirks, enjoying his apparent sagacity. “Is that him?”

“Him?” Lewis repeats at a loss.

“The guy you’re in love with, duh,” Nico comes closer and rests one hand on the other’s shoulder, a parent-like attitude that has always annoyed Lewis to death. “It’s pretty obvious, you know.”

Lewis doesn’t respond to that. He doesn’t know how to. He feels his face burning as he looks away, embarrassed. Nico releases a soft laughter, tightening the grip on his shoulder before letting go. “Ok, why don’t you show me your motorhome?”

Nico seems like a child at an amusement park for the first time. He snoops into everything, eager to discover all the small details of the place. Lewis finds it quite adorable, even though he can’t tolerate people messing around with his belongings.

“Okay, I loved it!” He exclaims as he jumps onto the bed. “I’ve always had a thing for trailers, you know? They seem so cozy and adventurous!”

“Yeah, although in Formula 1 they’re just practical, you know? I find them quite...”

Lewis murmurs as he sits on the edge of the bed. “I mean, it’s not Monaco. I miss home sometimes,” He remembers the day he met Nico, the talk and the kiss as they lied down together. The proximity frightens him, so he gets up almost imediately.

Nico lets his words sink in for a minute. “So Monaco is your home?”

“It used to be when Nicole would come over on those rare occasions we found ourselves on vacation at the same time. It wasn’t very often, but we would make the most of it.” Lewis recalls with a bitter taste in his mouth. He misses her, that is pretty much evident. For a long time, she was all he had. Nicole was there when he won the championship and, honestly, he doesn’t think he could have done it without her. That year was intense and purely terrifying, and she was there to hold him and say all the things he needed to hear.

But she is gone. And for good.

“Sorry, I get lost in my thoughts sometimes,” Lewis continues, after realising he has been staring into space for a while. He looks back at Nico. The blond is propped up on his elbows, staring at him. Lewis’ eyes drop to the uncovered part of Nico’s belly as his shirt had gone up a few inches, revealing a trail of hair that goes all the way to his groin. Lewis sighs. Temptation surely has cunning ways to be always present.

“Okay, time to go.”

Nico doesn’t ask for further explanation. It is clear something he doesn’t quite understand has upset the Englishman. As they exit the motorhome, the German searches his pockets until he pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He lights one up and smokes it nonchalantly. Lewis watches it in slow motion. Nico looks like one of those old Hollywood movie stars from the 50’s. He is appealing, but not in an obvious way. He seems to be the beginning of a terrible mistake you wouldn’t mind making.

“Pardon me. Want one?” Nico offers him the pack.

“Thanks, I don’t smoke.”

Nico smirks provokingly.

“Of course you don’t.”

Lewis gasps, a little offended, although he is surely having fun. He loves being defied and he is more than willing to prove to the blond that he is not predictable.

“In fact, I’ll take one,” he raises one eyebrow, showing his best condescending self. Lewis might not know exactly how to play this game, but he clearly does not mind making his own rules.

Except Lewis doesn’t really know how to take a drag. As Nico holds the lighter, Lewis protects the flame with one hand, but struggles to light up his cigarette. His self-consciousness grows out of control, and when he finally manages to light the damn thing up, he chokes on the smoke, grasping for air as his throat starts to burn. God, what a mess. He looks away, covering his mouth with his free hand and wishing a meteor would fall straight on his head and end his suffering. He is waiting to hear Nico incessantly laughing, but that never occurs. Instead, the blond places one hand on his shoulder, asking “are you okay, man?” with a believable concern in his voice.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just not…” damn, he has to admit he is uptight. He has put pressure on himself to be always fit or else his driving performance would fall short of being simply perfect. To be honest, Lewis doesn’t even remember the last time he just let himself do whatever he wanted.

No, that’s not correct. Since the day he called that escort agency he has been much more self-indulgent.

“That’s okay. Look, you don’t have to pull it directly into your lungs. First you pull it into your mouth, and then to your lungs. Oh, and small amounts, like that,” he proceeds to showing exactly how it is done. Lewis tries to pay attention to the way he drags instead of how freaking attractive he looks with his hair waving in the wind, eyes slightly squinched against the sun.

Nico pulls the smoke into his mouth, but instead of releasing it, he takes some steps toward Lewis. He is merely an inch away from the blond when he holds him by the nape, bringing their mouths closer. Only then Nico lets the smoke escape his lips as Lewis breathes it in, mostly out of instinct since he is completely lost in the moment, appreciating the proximity between them like never before. For the first time around Nico, he doesn’t feel scared or uncomfortable like his thoughts are going to devour him. Lewis is breathing him in.

He can’t take it. He can’t feign control. Lewis gives in, smacking their mouths together in exasperation. He wishes they could merge into one because it never seems enough. It doesn’t matter how hard he holds onto Nico’s jacket, how he runs his fingers through his hair and hopes it will somehow make him never leave. Or maybe he is just hoping to hold on to that moment for as long as possible.

But still, his damn conscience.

He pulls away. This time, he doesn’t have to say a word before Nico figures out what is going through his head.

“I mean it,” the blond utters, panting, “every time we kiss, I mean it. Don’t you fucking dare doubt that.”

Lewis has no idea how he ended up tipsy alongside Sebastian Vettel, who is drunk beyond help. He just remembers Nico leaving with a triumphant look on his face and him meeting Seb afterwards, who had apparently invited everyone to celebrate Jenson’s win. They are in some pub not far from the hotel they’re staying. It’s crowded and hot. There are other drivers scattered through the tables, blocking the doors to the toilets, smoking outside… drivers are everywhere as usual. Lewis simply can’t get rid of them.

He can’t seem to get rid of Germans also.

“You see, _das ist nicht nett von dir_. If you’re defending one side, you can’t simply shift direction! You’re being _ein Arschloch! Ein Miststück!_ ” Sebastian shouts, hitting the counter with his clenched fist a couple of times.

“For fuck’s sake, Seb! You got the podium! Just stop fucking complaining!” Kimi replies as he walks past them. He is amused by Seb’s tantrum rather than pissed, which is usual since they are good friends and can’t possibly be angry at each other. Lewis observes the scene, he himself enjoying quietly the banter.

Seb tries to formulate an answer to that, but Kimi is long gone between giggles and shrugs.

“God, like, seriously, how stupid did I sound?” Sebastian mutters and hides his face in both hands. Lewis smirks, thinking he is being overdramatic as always.

“It’s okay, man. I would’ve been pissed too.”

“No, no… it’s not about the race! I don’t freaking care about the race, I was just…” the blond looks away suddenly, his mouth slightly drops. Lewis follows his eyes all the way to Kimi, who is chatting with Mark and Daniel, seemingly drunk enough to be making jokes and socializing like he never does when he is sober. Lewis now shifts his gaze between him and the German, trying to grasp an explanation. “I was just trying to make him talk to me.”

“Wait… why? Aren’t you two like best friends?”

Sebastian finally frees himself from the apparent spell that bound all his attention to the Finn. He looks at Lewis, lost in thoughts. His expressive eyes show the Englishman everything he cannot say, either because he is too drunk or because it would hurt him to death. Seb, however, let slip a simple, yet meaningful, answer.

“Not since we kissed.”

Lewis sobers up in a second. He can feel the alcohol draining from his brain as he tries to fathom what he had just heard. Silence drags itself poignantly. He needs to say something.

“Oh,” is all he manages to speak. A quick gasp of surprise. Then he looks at the counter and notices the bartender has already filled their glasses with another shot of whisky. He chugs it ravenously and says the first thing that comes to mind: “I hired a male escort to fall in love with me.”

The minute he let those words escape his mouth he regrets it bitterly. The only thing keeping him from freaking out and leaving immediately is the numbness spreading through his body thanks to the alcohol. He is not used to drinking. It makes him too vulnerable and unstable. It makes him say things he has not even admitted to himself yet.

“Well, aren’t you full of surprises!” Good thing Seb is utterly drunk and hopefully won’t remember any of it the next morning, Lewis thinks. They start laughing, mostly to relieve the tension, but also because it is indeed true what they say. Misery does love company.

So they are past any reasoning, tripping over their own feet as they exit the bar. Sebastian suggests they end the party in the hotel, which Lewis considers an excellent idea. They stumble all the way to the building which is thankfully just a couple blocks away, chanting the most popular national anthem in Formula 1, the German. Seb keeps shouting he will be a three times world champion and that doesn’t even bother Lewis, who has sometimes envied the blond. The Englishman had showed great promise once, but maybe that was it. He needs to let it stay in the past and move forward to whatever awaits him. In that moment, all he can hope for is to have some fun away from all the complicated parts of his life.

Their rooms are on the same floor, and once they get there, there’s a moment of uncertainty as they wonder which one they should go to. Sebastian leans back against the wall, faltering as dizziness takes over. Lewis comes closer, placing one hand on the other’s shoulder as he asks “are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, _Ich bin toll_ … God, I’ve never been so drunk in my entire life,” the German mutters as he tries to stand up but ends up getting sicker. He rests his forehead on Lewis’ shoulder, still giggling with the strength he has left. “Okay, I guess party’s over.”

He looks up, their eyes meet. The gap between them is almost inexistent, so is their sense of judgment. Lewis might defend himself later saying Seb is blond and German, which made it easy for him to shut up his thoughts and imagine he was kissing Nico. He was kissing Nico and not feeling guilty about it.

But Nico is unique. He smells like fresh coffee in the morning, like the air of the countryside, like the last scent you will ever want to feel before leaving this world for good. And his lips are warm and fit Lewis’ perfectly as if they were once one and the same. Maybe Lewis is idealizing it too much, putting Nico on a pedestal he will never be able to reach. This is the whole problem: how do you climb a mountain that gets higher every day? Seb is not a mountain. He is there. They are drunk. It is all too easy and Lewis is tired of craving the impossible.

Sometimes Nico is smoke too. Either way, he is impossible to grasp. Lewis will always have to breathe him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did the smoking/kissing cliché and I'M NOT SORRY FOR THAT.


	5. Look out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lewis wakes up in another bedroom.  
> Next stop, Monza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> I was quicker this time to update this little thing, though it took me more than I expected to write the final paragraphs.   
> This chapter has not much going on, but the next ones will be INTENSE  
> So brace yourselves~  
> And don't forget to comment :p don't leave me starving

When Lewis wakes up, he can’t quite decide which part of his body hurts the most and which feeling he is feeling is the most confusing one. His head seems like it got run over by elephants, his eyes can’t properly adjust to the clarity of the room and his mouth had dried up to the point it burns when he tries to swallow. For a whole minute, he stands there, looking at the ceiling, trying to remember anything from last night. As glimpses of memories start to return to his mind, terror fills his senses. He slowly starts to get up, being extra careful not to worsen his sickness. The Englishman finally manages to distinguish the background noises he has been hearing since he had woken up. It’s the sound of water running from a shower and someone singing terribly.

The first sound stops, the second goes on. Lewis knows exactly from whom that voice is, even though the tightness in his chest gets unbearable every time he thinks of it. The bathroom door opens, Sebastian steps into the room with only a towel wrapped around his waist. Lewis freaks out.

“Oh my God”, the Englishman whispers to himself, but it does nothing to calm his nerves, so he goes on repeating it incessantly “oh my God, oh my God, OH M-”.

“Calm down, Lewis!” Seb interrupts his meltdown and attempts to get closer, but Lewis flinches, causing the German to stop in his tracks. “Look, nothing happened. We kissed, and that was it.”

It is almost like a shot of morphine on Lewis. It paralyses him, but he can’t bring himself to trust blindly in Seb’s words. It doesn’t get any easier when he looks under the covers and finds out he is only wearing his underwear.

The German rushes to explain: “yeah, you did take your clothes off in the heat of the moment, but then you fell on the bed and passed out.”

If it had happened with someone else, Lewis would be rolling on the floor laughing. But since it’s him they are talking about, he only keeps silent, wishing, praying he will wake from this nightmare.

“Where did you sleep?” He tries to sound as cool as possible, even though his heart is still racing. 

“Oh, I found a cosy spot in the bathtub.”

This time, Lewis can’t help chuckling. Seb takes it lightly. The strangeness in the atmosphere begins to dissipate as the German sits on the bed across from Lewis and they share a confiding glance. “I must confess I am a bit offended that the thought of sleeping with me frightens you so much.” Seb adds playfully. Lewis feels his cheeks burn and hides it straight away by covering his face with both hands. He rubs his eyes a couple of times as though trying to think clearly.

“It’s not that.” Lewis doesn’t want to mention Nico. He could easily explain saying he was imagining him as he kissed Seb and he would probably go on imagining as he fucked the other. That is out of the question since he and Seb don’t have anything close to a friendship. Their longest conversation was the one they had in that pub, which they had mostly forgotten. However, there’s something also true he can actually tell Seb without fearing he may be oversharing: “I just think I could use a friend, someone I’m not in love or hadn’t been in love or… I want something easy in my life for once. It’s also nice that I can have someone like me to talk to.”

“Someone like you?” Seb echoes, frowning more out of sheer confusion than dislike.

“You like… men, don’t you?” Lewis says, not as much hesitantly as he wished. The excitement about finally talking about it with someone is too blatant to handle.

“Yeah”, Seb replies with a faint smile. “And women too. I guess I like people in general if they make me feel special… or insignificant, like Kimi.” As Lewis eyes him with concern, he adds: “in a good way, of course.”

“How so?” The Englishman leans forward, looking inexorably interested.

Seb sighs. The matter is more complicated than it seems. His tired expression confirms that.

“I’m on a roll. It feels like heaven right now, but it gets me constantly thinking that when this high ends, the fall will be a disaster. It frightens me that I can’t possibly know when it’s going to be my last win. Then there’s Kimi who was world champion a while back and doesn’t give a damn if he’s ever going to be again. However, people still think he is the most badass driver of the grid. He is so laid-back… God, he makes you say ‘fuck it’ to life and just live.”

Lewis didn’t dare interrupt what seemed to be a shy love letter. As Seb poured his heart out, Lewis thought about his own unspeakable feelings for Nico. He gets it now, the way insignificancy can calm your nerves when nothing else will. Lewis sees he shares something quite unpleasant with Seb: the urge to be important, the refusal of anything other than sheer excellence.

“Anyway, I’m just rambling”, Seb ponders. He gets up, turns to his drawer and fumbles it for some clothes. He goes back to the bathroom to change. “But I think I heard something rather interesting yesterday about an escort”, the German shouts.

Lewis feels the blood in his veins freeze. Damn it, of course he hadn’t simply forgotten the bombshell that the Englishman had dropped the night before. Lewis’ mind goes blank as he searches for a proper answer.

Seb is back again, properly dressed this time. His raised eyebrows alternate between worry and eagerness.

“Or were you just messing with me?”

Lewis could put an end to the matter right now, pretend it never happened.

“No.”

He also could get it all off his chest lest he go mad.

“You heard it right, although I didn’t really hire him to fall in love with me.” His need to explain that the situation is not as bad as it seems feels ridiculous. He wishes he could punch himself before he says any other stupidity. “I hired him out of curiosity, I guess. Then I fell in love.”

Seb keeps silent, which adds to Lewis’ anxiety. The Englishman doesn’t know if he should continue talking or if he should hide under covers like a seven-year-old. One way or the other, he is certainly not enjoying being this open, but it is kind of addictive.

“Is he here with you?” He finally hears from the German.

“Yeah. He’s flying with me to the other races too.”

Seb is unsettled, Lewis can feel it. The blond’s eyes keep wandering around the entire room, not focusing on anything in particular as though escaping Lewis’ desperate look. Maybe he is thinking of something nice to say, the Englishman imagines. Maybe he is suppressing his urge to completely dismiss Lewis as a pervert or other equally negative attribute.

“Well, I can’t judge you. We do fall for people that we shouldn’t.”

Seb’s words fill the room with a new sort of misery. There’s no embarrassment anymore, just a shared suffering, which turns out to be way worse. They were supposed to lift each other’s spirit, but ended up sinking further in their mutual despair.

Lewis leaves after they order and eat breakfast together. He rediscovers an extremely sympathetic Sebastian. They had nurtured somewhat of a friendship when they were both in F1’s feeder series, but have followed different paths since them. Lewis realises their encounter the night before was everything he didn’t know he needed.

The next race is in Monza. No driver, except for Felipe and Fernando, expects warm greetings. Lewis, however, doesn’t mind it because no one can take his pole position away. He’s gleaming, seems to walk on sunshine (yes, like the song) and figures out it is worth paying a visit to Nico in the hotel the blond’s staying.

When Nico answers the door, there’s the usual feeling of instant relief and amazement. “Congrats, man!” The German pulls him into a hug.

Lewis tries to avoid remembering how Nicole would always react like she was the one who got the pole, so cheerful and supportive. He also tries not to drown in the embrace and forget his surroundings, the complexity of the situation. If he gives in, he might fantasize of being in a real relationship with Nico in which they could spend the entire day lying on the bed, eating snacks and watching some trashy teen movie.

“Thanks, I wasn’t expecting it at all-”

“Oh, stop being so humble! You haven’t told me, but you’re actually a big deal in Formula 1, aren’t you? World champion and all.”

Lewis’ eyes scream _how did you find out?_

“Did some research. To be quite honest, I should’ve done it a while ago.” Nico gestures for him to come into the room. It shares the same classic architecture than the one in Belgium, only this one is slightly bigger and more sophisticated. Nico picks up the telephone, orders a bottle of champagne.

After that, the blond jumps on the bed, carelessly, and sits cross-legged. Lewis sits on its edge, maintaining a safe distance from the other for his own good. Something pops into his head.

“You told me once something about having met other drivers”, Lewis observes Nico’s expression, ready to back off at any sign of discomfort. Nico only seems to be caught off guard, so the Englishman seizes the opportunity to go further. “I was just curious if you could tell me who-”

“No.”

The change in Nico’s mood is subtle and precise. His muscles are tensed up, his eyes are fixated on Lewis’, but instead of their usual tenderness, there is fear, confusion, panic. Lewis regrets it instantly, tries to think of a way to make it all go back to normal. He is about to apologise when Nico, seemingly regaining his temper, chuckles and adds: “It’s nothing. It’s been so long I don’t even remember.”

There is not a single trace of restlessness anymore. As simple as that, the German is undecipherable once again. Lewis doesn’t try to pursue the matter, thinks it is best to leave it that way.

The champagne arrives. Nico makes a dramatic toast and they drink the entire bottle in a worryingly short amount of time. Now they are both spread across the bed, lying on their backs in opposite directions like morons.

“What about Jenson?” Nico starts.

“Oh, so you googled him too?”

“Oh, yeah, I need to know my competition, don’t I?” He is obviously joking, but Lewis can’t help feeling butterflies in his stomach just because Nico is feigning jealousy.

 _There’s no competition,_ Lewis thinks. He may have a silly crush on Jenson, a childish anxiety whenever he’s around him, but falling for Nico made him realise the clear difference between his feelings for each of them. Nico is slowly consuming him to death, making him dive deeper in his own helplessness by craving impossibilities. Jenson is barely an itch compared to this.

“He got second position. It was pretty close, though.” Lewis answers, not exactly sure if that was Nico’s question.

“And are you friends or what?” There it is.

“More like _what_ ”, Lewis keeps his attention focused on the ceiling, counting every smudge he sees. “I fucked up things a while ago. Got too competitive.”

“Yeah, I figured you were this kind of person.” Nico’s voice is low, almost as if he is talking to himself. Lewis lifts his head a little, frowning.

“Elaborate, please.”

“I mean, you seem to be very passionate about the things you care for, which is good most of the time, but it can also cause you to sacrifice some… relationships, I guess. Like, your career is extremely important to you and it shows, but so should be the people in your life, don’t you think?”

Lewis tells himself not to get offended by Nico’s analysis of his behaviour. The blond does have a point, after all. If Lewis lets himself dwell on it, he may realise how many times he has chosen F1 over Nicole, or how he never truly let Jenson get too close to him for fear of showing his more vulnerable side. Lewis could not stand revealing his weaknesses. It was bad enough back in 2009, just after his first title, when all eyes were on him and the pressure was unbearable. He made some expensive mistakes that might have damaged McLaren’s trust in him, made them plead to have Jenson next year. At that point, Lewis was a broken promise and everyone started to watch out for Seb.

The feeling of failure never quite left him ever since.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He whispers, swallowing the bitterness of noticing how much he had lost due to pride.

Nico sits up with an apprehensive look on his face. Their eyes meet, the sombreness in Lewis’ catches the blond by surprise.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Nico reaches for his hand, but stops midway, seeming to wonder if it would be proper… or fair.

“It’s okay.” He hates it. Hates how easily he would have given in if Nico had touched him. Hates that he wished Nico would somehow give him arms to take refuge in, lips to whisper words of reassurance and hope, eyes to look deep into and forget all the rest. He hates that all he wants from Nico is the only thing money can’t buy. “I’d better get going.”

He stands up, rejects the thought of lingering for a moment just to see if Nico would ask him to stay. The blond looks lost in thoughts as he follows Lewis to the door. He is just about to leave when the German grabs one of his hands, holding it tight as they stare at each other.

“You’ll find someone. If not Jenson, then… the right person will come at the right time.”

Lewis wants to scream so many things, to let go of all the confusing feelings creeping around, numbing his senses. _How can you be so blind? How can’t you see it’s not about Jenson?_ , he considers saying, but Nico is not feigning innocence, no, this is way worse. He knows there’s no competition, that he has the Englishman wrapped around his fingers. Nevertheless, he is trying to set Lewis free, to open the birdcage that he had trapped the other in without even being aware of that. He is being nice, but Lewis doesn’t want nice.

So his caring words do no good. Lewis is furious even if he won’t let it show. He departs with a sore taste in his mouth, knowing he has brought it upon himself, so he might as well endure it. In his way out, after calling a cab, something flashes in his face multiple times. It’s all very subtle, the horde of paparazzi surrounding him as he fights his way through them to reach the cab. Lewis doesn’t discern a single word they’re shouting, being invaded by perplexity and sudden stupor as he gets in the car and leaves.


	6. When the party's over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tabloids annoy the crap out of Lewis. Good thing night clubs are his favourite distractions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...  
> First of all, as always, I'd like to apologise for taking so long to update this fic. It's funny how I tend to write like 80% of the chapter in 2 days and then spend A WHOLE FREAKING MONTH to finish it. I just hate my creative blocks. I hope you can forgive me.
> 
> Just a reminder: I did a playlist with the songs from the chapters' titles. If you'd like to check it out, the link is this one:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2a1iqw13YHoVY4UpupF3Al?si=bLXG0p_KRb-cffygFUjfrA
> 
> Don't forget to leave your thoughts, critics or just a hello! I would love to read all of them <3

“NEW GIRLFRIEND? Lewis Hamilton spotted leaving hotel after visiting mysterious person.”

Shitty headline, if he were to be honest. He is well aware that this only seems to interest the small and petty tabloids, so he shouldn’t worry that much. It’s speculation, pure sensationalism. However, he can’t control the tightness in his chest as he reads the following lines:

“Although we weren’t able to discover the identity of this person, the Formula 1 driver has been reportedly visiting their hotel room on a daily basis since coming to Monza, Italy, for the thirteenth race of this year’s World Championship.”

They are after him. For now, it may seem like an exaggeration of facts, but as soon as they have a solid story they are going to tear him apart. Lewis breathes in and out slowly a few times, trying to keep his mind clear of horrendous possibilities. He keeps repeating words of comfort to himself like mantras, but it does nothing to soothe his despair.

God, he has just won a race. His weekend was simply perfect and now all he can think of is this pretentious article.

Seb calls him, demands they have a proper celebration. Well, Lewis could use some misplaced drunkenness.

“Forget it, Lewis. It’s nothing, they have nothing on you.”

The German is sitting across from him. This pub is slightly less mundane than the previous one, less crowded for sure. Seb said they had to order the Aperol spritz ( _“it’s their_ Spezialität _”_ ), so each one has a glass (the third, in fact).

“Still, they are searching for something. I knew it would happen the moment Nicole told the press we broke up.” Lewis replies. A couple of days ago, his ex-girlfriend was a guest in some talk show. Lewis can’t be angry at her for telling the truth when asked about a future marriage.

 _“It’s not happening, at least not with Lewis. We are not together anymore.”_ She said bluntly. Then the host went on to ask what had happened. _“I think we have enough in our plates at the moment. We drifted apart. There’s no reason in particular, it’s just life.”_

She sounded hurt. On any other occasion, Lewis would rush to comfort her, whether by phone or in person. Well, now all he can do is hope she will be fine soon.

“Did you tell her?” Seb’s voice calls him back to the present. Lewis frowns, his eyes squeezed as though trying to make sense of the other’s words. “About being gay?”

“Oh”, Lewis looks around instinctively to check if there is no one near enough to have heard it. He brings his attention back to the German. “No, I didn’t. Do you think I should?”

“Well, I guess if it were me I would like to know”, Seb answers, pausing between each word as though he is being careful with what he says. Maybe his brand new friendship with Lewis is too fresh for them to go around sticking their noses in each other’s life, but he will give it a try. “I mean, if I’m in a relationship and it doesn’t work out, no matter how much I may try and tell myself I did everything I could, there’ll always be a feeling that it was my fault too, you know? I guess you owe it to Nicole to tell her there was nothing she could’ve done.”

Lewis is not willing to hear that, it is pretty obvious. He hates to admit he couldn’t even be honest with Nicole for the sake of the bond between them after all those years together. She deserves to know the truth. Seb didn’t even have to tell him that. He knew it the moment she left his apartment for the last time, the brokenness in her eyes, the way she avoided his touch because she knew there was something so terribly wrong they couldn’t simply talk it out, something so unimaginable she couldn’t have seen it coming. God, the more Lewis thinks about it, the more he realises she must have felt completely helpless.

“Yeah, I should probably tell her.” He mutters and drinks what was left in his glass. He gestures for the barman to bring them another round. “And I should probably stop seeing Nico, send him back to Monaco and end this madness.”

“You can’t do this, Lewis. You’ll miss the chance to tell him that–”

“Hey, boys! I thought this was my secret spot in Monza.” Lewis almost chokes on his Spritz when he hears that familiar voice behind him. He turns around to see a smiley Jenson eyeing them with suspicion. “Lewis, are you flirting with the enemy?”

“Yeah, he’s just handed me McLaren’s strategic plan for the entire season.” Seb quickly claps back. They giggle. Lewis is still too anxious about their conversation and the sudden interruption to express any reaction.

“In fact, if you could read it and point out the error, I guess we could use some help,” Jenson admits, quite embarrassed. Of course, why on earth would Seb want any information about McLaren’s current struggle? “Jokes aside, would you guys be up for something tonight? I was thinking of going to a club. Maybe we could celebrate someone’s win, huh?”

Jenson places a hand on Lewis’ shoulder and squeezes it. The younger driver almost loses it.

“Sure, why not?” He manages to reply with a somewhat steady voice while his heart almost breaks free of his chest.

He hasn’t talked to Nico since the day before when he was ambushed by those paparazzi. He got scared, couldn’t think of coming to visit the blond without picturing getting out of his hotel room and being met by a horde of cameras and microphones. Lewis sent him a message apologising for his absence and telling him it might take some time before they could meet again. Nico didn’t text him back, which gave the Englishman all the anxiety he certainly could do well without.

He does like to go to clubs if they have good music and a working A/C system. This one meets all the criteria, earning an extra point as Lewis and Seb spot Jenson in the VIP area and he gestures for them to come up. Most of the people in there are unknown to them; probably they are Jenson’s close friends from outside the motorsport field. However, they run into an already tipsy Mark Webber, whose sole glimpse makes Seb quiver in disgust. Being teammates is indeed the best way to start hating someone.

Lewis leaves Seb to deal with him alone and goes to where Jenson is standing, leaning over the balcony. The blond seems delighted to see him there.

“Next time I win you’ll have to come up with something as good as this.” Jenson raises both eyebrows in a teasing manner.

“So now I’m in debt to you?” Lewis continues the banter.

Jenson bends forward, coming closer to one of Lewis’ ear.

“Yeah, but I accept other payment methods, you know.”

Maybe it is the loud music or the fact that Lewis really refuses to believe in what he has just heard, but he chuckles, blank expression, and tries to make any sense of Jenson’s reply other than what it seemed to convey. So he keeps silent, hoping his nervousness is not showing through.

Lewis can still feel Jenson’s gaze upon him when he catches sight of an unmistakable head among the crowd. That shiny blond hair, long enough to be tucked behind his ears, also his indubitable way of wearing a shirt with the first two buttons undone, showing his tanned chest just enough to make one curious. Nico stops by the bar, leaning over the counter with his everlasting manner of acting like he owns the place (and nobody would tell him otherwise).

Lewis keeps watching the scene unroll before his eyes. Nico looks around, flirty eyes and provocative smile, then a guy approaches him. They start chatting, their body language suggesting they are both interested in each other’s words – or lips? Lewis is not completely aware of what he is doing, or why he is doing it, but he feels like he has no control over his legs as they drag them down to the bottom floor. He hears Jenson asking where he is going, but everything feels away like a dream. He is about to make a fool of himself and no one will be able to stop him.

Nico turns around as Lewis gives a light tap on his shoulder. At first, he looks haunted, as if he is not exactly displeased to see Lewis there but certainly wishes he weren’t. Then, quickly regaining his demeanour, he opens a broad smile, hand reaching out for Lewis’.

“Hi, babe! What a coincidence!”

Lewis has just realised he completely forgot how to speak.

“Is everything alright?” Nico asks when the Englishman stays silent. He is looking past Nico at the guy he was just talking to. He is still there, staring at them, maybe waiting to resume their conversation. Jesus Christ, he never took himself for the jealous type but it doesn’t seem like he has any control over it.

“Yeah, I was just… I saw you here and I thought…” No, this is not working at all.

Nico has always been good at reading his mind by the look on his face. He grabs Lewis by the arm and leads him to somewhere less crowded. He gazes at the driver, the concern and empathy in his eyes are too much for Lewis to bear.

“We didn’t talk about it. I should’ve asked.” The blond ponders.

“About what?”

“About exclusivity, about leaving the hotel. I was just feeling bored and a bit horny, I guess.” Nico confesses with a suppressed grin. “Well, to be fair, I only did it because you had disappeared.”

Lewis shakes his head a couple of times like he is trying to make any sense of the blond’s words. He is angry at himself, angry at his newly discovered, helpless jealousy, and the worst part of it all is feeling he had caused it. He had ghosted on Nico, so why on earth would he think the blond would just wait for him? Nico is not a puppet, no. Lewis can’t put him away whenever he wants and expect things will be as he left them when he decides to come back. He has always been poignantly aware that even though Nico seems to be some kind of a buyable company, he has a mind of his own like no one Lewis has ever met.

“Of course you can leave the hotel. I didn’t kidnap you.” Lewis says just loud enough for Nico to hear despite all the background noise. He hates how hurt he sounds. He has no right to feel hurt if Nico is feeling like one of his properties because, well, technically he _is_. Not forever, no, but for the moment. They haven’t discussed the terms and conditions of that service. Lewis is only his client. He can’t feel hurt.

“So… what about exclusivity? You know, I wasn’t expecting to spend six months as a celibate.”

Lewis feels that more than Nico probably meant. He hates it when the blond rubs the nature of their relationship in his face, when he reminds him that they are solemnly bonded by money and nothing else. Like he has forgotten how intense their kisses felt, how intimately they talked about things Lewis never felt comfortable enough to talk to anyone else before. He most definitely despises the way Nico is asking him if he can fuck another guy because Lewis doesn’t want to fuck him if he is only doing it for money. Goddamn it, Lewis wants to tell his conscience to fuck off, to let him forbid Nico of doing it and going to bed with him instead, doing exactly what he had in mind when he called that cursed agency.

Yet he can’t. He likes Nico way too much to confirm his beliefs that Lewis cannot possibly want anything beyond sex with him.

“Do whatever you want, I don’t care.”

He gets out of there as fast as he can, thinking he screwed up a little bit. Lewis imagined saying something along the lines of _I don’t own you_ or _you’re free_ , but he was angry, so he said he didn’t care, which was a hell of a lie.

“Hey man, is everything alright?” someone says behind him as he steps out of the club and into the night’s cold breeze. He breathes in and out repeatedly, cherishing the silence. He turns back and sees Jenson, eyeing him with a concerned look. He says nothing, hopes he will give up and walk away. “Was that Nico?”

For a second, Lewis thinks he is having a heart attack. His mind goes blank and he cannot think of any obvious thing to say when you’re so desperately trying to hide something, like _I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t know any Nico_. He stays quiet, eyes saying enough.

“I heard you talk about him when you were having lunch with Seb. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop your conversation.” Jenson explains. His voice is calm, almost soothing. Lewis feels himself relaxing, becoming less anxious as he listens to his teammate’s words. “It’s okay, Lewis. I don’t mind it. To be honest, I… I think I invited you here because I wanted to spend some time with you away from the tracks.”

This time, Jenson is the one with shaky hands and a nervous smile. Lewis is rather confused, not certain he understood it completely. It just feels like he has just gotten out of a car crash, dizzy head, all beaten-up and bruised, not quite convinced he is alive or in some sort of dream.

“What do you mean?”

Jenson looks down at his feet and back at the younger, both hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“I think you know what I mean.”

He is right, Lewis is not that dumb, he is just having a really weird day that doesn’t feel entirely real. He wants to touch Jenson to see if he is not going to fade away, dissipate like a mirage. That would be silly if Jenson turned out to be real, so he discards the plan. Instead, Lewis makes an agreement with his ruthless conscience to simply accept the universe’s tender gift to him. The next day he will deal with the consequences.

“Let’s just get out of here, please.” He mutters as he grabs Jenson’s hand and they leave.


End file.
